Trigger warning, this post discusses possible loss.
27 days ago I finally got those two pink lines.
For the next few days I was floating.
Then came the cramping. The red. The losing you.
25 Days ago the tests went negative.
20 Days ago that last test was staring me in the face. Taunting me.
20 Days ago that spur of the moment test turned positive.
18 Days ago the blood draws began again.
18 Days ago I got to see you for the first time.
18 Days ago I felt like I was s o a r i n g. Like my dreams were finally all answered. Like my body wasn’t failing me any longer.
Then
One week ago today
They told me you stopped growing.
That I was losing you.
One week ago today
The tech was too quiet during your ultrasound.
Was too quiet when she excused herself from the room.
Was too quiet when she handed me the phone.
Then the world got loud.
When she told me what I already feared was true.
When she gave me her condolences.
One week ago today.
My world came crumbling down all over again
One week ago today
I begged and pleaded. Bargained desperately that you’d make it.
Six days ago she called again. Results from your blood work. Numbers still rising. Doubling.
There was, there is a chance. A small one. That maybe you’ll make it.
Today, even though the cards are stacked against us, I am doing my best to keep hope alive. Even though your chance is less than probable. Even though all the signs are pointing to loss.
Because maybe if I keep my hope alive, I can keep you alive, too.
Heyyy just stumbled across your website. I hope your lil one is making it. Hope (s)he is a fighter.
Sending prayers for the lo and hugs to you.
Thank you so much <3
Oh my goodness – What a roller Coaster – I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Praying for you tonight – even though I’m a week late reading this!