Dear Jude: A letter to my rainbow baby on his first birthday

A letter to my rainbow baby on his first birthday:

Dearest Jude,

One year. One year of you. One year of us.

364 days ago, you entered the world to Stevie’s raspy vocals and a room full of people who couldn’t wait to meet you, and I finally held you, the little soul who I hoped would heal this broken soul of mine. My rainbow baby, my calm after the storm.

I remember the relief, right after that push that welcomed you to me. Physically, yes, but more so emotionally. My nerves and fear after losing my last pregnancy scarred me. Made me protect myself more from connecting too much while I grew you in my womb. I had known the pain of what it was like for that to be taken away, and it overshadowed those long 42 weeks.

What a year it has been. You have pushed me to my limits (and then some), you have grown me in ways I never thought possible, and you have shown me the beauty of siblings.

It has been a really hard year, and many times I’ve cried – wondering if I’m scarring you with everything I’m not. But there have also been some incredible highs. Seeing you, watching you grow and change into this real little human, one who has his own personality, has been an incredible gift. Your eyes have this light to them, especially when you smile. Like you know I need something to keep me going. And the life that I first saw behind them, as you held up your tiny head and looked me straight in the eyes in the wee hours of that cold September morning.

You silently stared and I knew in that moment you had chosen me. Your mom, your champion, your supporter.

I am so sorry for not giving you my best self every day. But I did give you all of me, and then some. I picked you up every time you stumbled. I swayed you back and forth to comfort you when you cried. I sat on a yoga ball, bounced and breastfed you for an entire month. I kissed your forehead every morning, noon and night, and mourned the loss of your newborn smell. I held your hand as you found your footing, and offered a soft place for you to land. I nourished you with my breasts, countless times, at all hours.

I know you may never remember this first year, but it’s one I will never forget.

Happy first birthday, Jude Keith ❤️

We are so glad you are ours.