I am 1 in 4.
Yesterday was a day that I wish upon no one, and yet one so many of us experience.
Yesterday was the day I was told I’d be holding a baby in my arms. And yet, there I was, my arms heavy with emptiness. 28 weeks, and instead of celebrating another week of a healthy growing baby, I was too caught up in mourning the lost baby I would never get to hold.
Miscarriage changes you in ways you could never expect
A friend recently told me that miscarriage changes you in ways you could never expect, and those words hit me hard. Today is a little easier than yesterday, but the loss is still so fresh. Feeling so conflicted over the emotions I’m simultaneously experiencing, like grief and thankfulness, and praying so hard that come sometime September when I look at baby Bear’s face, so much more of this pain will be alleviated with the knowledge that our sweet rainbow is really here.
I ache, it hurts. I feel empty, but my womb feels heavy. I am simultaneously overcome with emotions, yet blank. I’m going through the motions, but everything is a blur.
It hurts to look at my husband, it hurts to look at my son. It just hurts.
I feel like a lesser person, a lesser mother, because of my miscarriage. That word. That freaking word. I hate it, I hate what it means, I hate what it makes me feel.
Every square inch of my body aches. It feels bruised and sore. I ache in places I never thought possible. I can literally feel my heart wanting to break and burst. It feels heavy in my chest.
It feels cold.
I feel cold. But no matter how many sweaters or blankets I pile on myself, the feeling is still there.
I burn hot from the anger and disappointment.
Why? What did I do to deserve this?
I wanted this so badly, WE wanted this so badly. Why? I begged and prayed and bargained for this child to be conceived.I may never have had the chance to hold this child in my arms, but I feel the weight of her on my chest and in my arms when I close my eyes.
Those words still ring in my head, clear as day. It hurt. It still hurts. It really fucking hurts.
Something inside me died that day, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.
Everyone keeps asking “what do you need?”
I need to feel like I’m not a complete failure.
I need this to have never happened. I need these dark feelings to go away. I need people to stop telling me that “its for the best” or “you’re still young, you have plenty of time”. I need for people to stop minimizing my feelings. I need my baby back.
As a mother, I have a person to take care of. I don’t get to take time off to wallow in my sorrow and grief. I don’t get to lay on the couch in sweats with a blanket pulled over me as I want to, I have breakfast to make, books to read and games to play. I have a little person who needs me to be present more than I need to hide away. Because when mom is shaking on the floor, crying, and your toddler comes over to ask “you ok? mama ok?” and wipes away your tears, it makes you cry a little harder before you recover.
Because the worried look on H’s face as he watches me, hurts almost as much as my emptiness does.
Speechless and heartbroken 🙁 I'm praying for you and your fam ,
Kisses and Hugs,
Glenda
Thank you so much, Glenda. It has shaken us in so many ways I never thought possible, and makes me so much more thankful for the little one that is currently baking away at almost 30 weeks strong <3
I'm so sorry for your loss Shannon. After years of fertility treatment I finally got pregnant only for it to end in a miscarriage. It's really hard to describe the heartache and emptiness that it leaves but you did it beautifully. Hugs for you and congrats on your rainbow baby! xoxo
Oh Angie, I am so sorry you have to feel the empty ache <3 It hurts so deeply and so strongly, and the sadness of what will never be is sometimes overwhelming, even now 9 months later. I am sending you so many hugs, and hope that you may one day get your rainbow <3 Thank you <3
I am sorry 🙁 I will be praying for you we suffered a miscarriage before our twins and it was painful.
Isn't it interesting how incredibly painful it is, in more than just the physical sense? I had no idea what was happening in my body or mind, because no one spoke about it, and felt so alone until I finally shared my experience. Now so many wonderful women are sharing their story and letting me know that the alienation I felt was the same they did as well. I am so happy you got your sweet rainbows!
My wife and I lost two children early in pregnancy. I mourned their loss by myself for a number of years while my wife kind of ignored what happened and continued on with life. Five or so years after our second miscarriage, we went through the final week of life of our friends' teenage daughter, and at that time came face to face with the loss of our miscarriages. We named our children, wrote them into our family tree in our Bibles, and mourned our loss together. Sometime in 2003 we learned about The Heart of America Memorial Wall for the Unborn in Topeka, KS. We had our children's names engraved on the wall and experienced another level of healing. I have recently joined the board that oversees the memorial wall, Christians for Life, Inc. Scott McBurney
In 1988 God blessed us with the birth of our daughter Bethany.
I found this today, and i hit deep. I lost my baby at 14 weeks, at the beginning of JuLy.
you expressed feelings I didn’t know how to put into words without seeming like I’m exaggerating my pain. My body and heart aches like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I had Hope’s and dreams for my tiny baby, I imagined what he or she would look like, and searched for names, and my son was excited for a sibling.
I feel like a failure and lesser of a mother and woman.
Thank you for sharing, it’s made me feel less alone and that my feelings are valid.
It’s ok to not be ok. Yes maybe I can have another baby, but I wanted this baby. I wanted this to be a dream.
I am so glad You wrote this and posted. I FINALLY found something that puts my feelings into worDs. I only made it 10 weeks with my 2nd pregnancy. Its only been 3 weeks and im struggling in a way i never have. im trying To hold it together for my 2 year old. but somedays i break down and he comes up to hug me and wipe my tears. 💔
Oh Shelbi 💔 I am so sorry you are going through this. There’s an amazing account on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ihadamiscarriage/ Dr. Zucker and her posts have helped so so much. Sending you so much love and light <3