I’m not *quite* ready to discuss it yet, but I did share that the baby I am currently pregnant with will be our Rainbow Baby. I have received messages with questions about what that means and emails of support from people I don’t even know. Social media may get a bad rap, but the fact that strangers can reduce me to tears with words of kindness and love just goes to show you – it’s not all bad.
Having a miscarriage changed me in ways I didn’t even know was possible, and in ways I’m not proud of. My patience is nowhere near where it was before. It’s hard to know whether H or I cry more during his meltdowns. I am ashamed to admit that there have been more than one occasion where I snapped and raised my voice to levels I swore it would never get to when H won’t cooperate. I became more reclusive, because it was easier to stay inside in our jammies all day, where I didn’t have to see the pregnant bellies that plagued me everywhere we went. We watched more TV than I ever would normally allow, because it meant I could have an electronic babysitter.
Shame. Shame Shame.
I am working on getting myself back to where I was, but coming to the realization that that may not be quite possible. And I’m learning that’s going to have to be ok. There are certain things in life that change a person, and this was one of those events for me. But that doesn’t mean I can let myself ruminate in my sorrow anymore.
The past two weeks, I have been making a huge effort to be more conscious of my parenting with H, because its not fair for me to take out my anguish on him. When he refuses to eat, instead of saying “Fine!” and taking him off the chair, I get on his level and talk to him. I ask him if he’d like to help me make something else, if he’d like to help me pick something else out. Of course, he’s still a sassy toddler, so half of the time he still says “uhhhh no sanks”. But that’s ok.
Instead of huffing when he starts throwing a fit, I go over and give him a hug and rock him until he calms down. I speak in gentle tones and tell him I love him.
I spend most of his naps just laying next to him, soaking in his health and pure youth. I study the different amber and driftwood colors of his hair – and have discovered that above his left ear, he has a random blonde streak in the center of one of his curls.
We go get donuts at our favorite local place when it’s been an especially rough day, even though he just eats the icing and toppings off his, and then abandons it and then turns his puppy dog eyes over to mine. Because its something special that we can do together, and it helps to erase the doubts I have to see him so happy.
I read him the same book a third and fourth and fifth time when he asks, because I can, and because he is a sweet, well meaning, polite, spunky little person who teaches me something new every day. And because our days together, just the two of us, will soon be changed by the arrival of this baby. And sometimes he just deserves to be said “YES” to.
Toddlerhood has not been easy, this pregnancy has not been easy, recovering from my our loss has not been easy, but motherhood and parenting has never promised to be. All I can do is promise to try a little harder, and to have a little more faith.
Duane Harris says
Beautifully written and insightful.
Shannon says
Thank you so much, Duane.
Duane Harris says
Beautifully written and insightful.
Masshole Mommy says
I can't even imagine. I have never known anyone personally who miscarried, but I would be as supportive as I could.
Ms KathyKenny says
Its really hard. I know how you feel. Hugs. You will get to a better place. It will never stop hurting but you will get to a point where you're used to it that you can go on with your daily life and be fine.
Michelle Mink says
i'm not a parent and i don't know that i ever will be but i do acknowledge how hard and challenging it is
Liv bySurprise says
I didn't hear about "rainbow babies" until well after I miscarried two of mine – but it is a beautiful concept. Congratulations.
Heather OCain says
I am not a parent and can't imagine what it must be like and what you go through! Congrats!
Sheri Ann Richerson says
Very insightful! I had 4 – two girls 18 months apart and 3 years later twin boys – so I hear you. It takes a lot of patience to be a parent – and love. It sounds like you are doing a great job!
Amy Jones says
You two looks so happy, never surrender girl! life is scary sometimes but it always gives beautiful things in return.
Whitney @ Work it Mommy says
I didn't know a baby after miscarriage was considered a rainbow baby; I have one of my own and she is coming upon her 2nd birthday in July. And though I only have 2 earth babies I count our angel baby as my third, always. Best of luck to you during this pregnancy. Soak in all that only baby time before you know it youll have two to snuggle.
Elizabeth O. says
Very well said. I am glad you are now enjoying every moment that you have with your little boy because when your new baby arrives there will be less time for donut runs and all that. It's good to focus on your kids and exercise being calm.
Heather Jones says
Those are some rough years I tell you. I have a seven and four year old and I think my four year old still acts like he's two. It seems that with each stage of parenthood you trade off one thing for another. Its hard, its beautiful, its messy, it makes you crazy…but its all worth it.
Victoria Heckstall says
They say everything happens for a reason. Enjoy the beautiful life with your kid
Patrice M Foster says
Glad that you can look back and now at peace with what happen. Enjoy your rainbow child. Congrats!
oana79 says
Loss is hard and brings out the worst in us. Loss and toddlerhood would be extremely trying on anyone and I think you are doing really well. All the very best with your rainbow pregnancy.xx
Liz Mays says
My heart breaks for you, and I can't pretend to know your pain. Having awareness of how the grief is affecting your choices is a good thing and will help as learn to live with the loss.
mail4rosey says
It's wonderful that you shared your story/feelings. I am guessing it will help more people than you will ever know.
ConciergeLibrarian says
Sigh…I am so sorry to hear, this cannot be easy to deal with and I would not wish it upon anyone
Jenn @ BecauseImCheap says
No shame. Healing takes all forms. And you are working through it.
Healing Tomato says
You have been through so much, but, you now have a wonderful reward. Congrats! You have also come out strong on the other side.
melandriaonline says
sometimes we all do because of how busy and how chaotic our life but we are still lucky to be called mother because not every one is privilege to have that title. before my first born, i experience two miscarriage and my pregnancy with my first child is rough as hell but i guess God is good that we were able to make through the hardship, just hang on,
Soiree Design Studio says
Thank you for sharing your personal story. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you.
Doran HauteBeautyGuide says
What a beautiful post. I applaud you sharing such a personal story. I know it will help others out there.
Katie Penn says
My rainbow baby is 2 wks old. It took two years and two losses till we got pregnant with and stayed pregnant with her. Hands down the hardest thing I've ever been through on all levels. I had to learn to take each day one at a time and not get ahead of myself. You accepting where you are and what you feel is the best medicine. As I'm sure others have said, you never forget the loss, and it always hurts, but it does get easier to get through each day. Good luck to you and your family!
Shannon says
I am so glad to hear you got your rainbow baby, Katie! Did you feel anxious your pregnancy? We conceived relatively easily when trying for my first child, and I felt like I enjoyed it far more, because I wasn't always worried about everything. Some days are harder than others, but it is getting a little easier to 'live with'. Thank you so much for the well wishes, I hope you and your sweet family are getting through the newborn phase well! Big hugs, mama!