Much.Most.Darling.: Life Lately

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Life Lately

We are officially moved in to our new home and we are still loving it. Being on a different floor rather than the next bedroom over from H is still taking a little getting used to (especially on early mornings) but its nice to have a little more separation and not have to worry about sneaking past his room for the bathroom or to watch TV. 
We're still unpacking box upon box upon box (something we promised ourselves we'd have done by the month milestone, whoops), and I'm so over it. My brain may melt if I have to open and find places for all the see-are-aye-p...
I promised myself I'd toss and donate things we're no longer using, especially since roughly 75% of our things have been in storage. For the last almost 2 years. While I know in my head I don't need all 47 tee shirts I collected from events and teams throughout middle and high school, once I have those sharpie and puffy paint mementos in my hand, they pull at my heart strings and I swear they beg me to keep them and save them from the trash man!
The Hubs has started a new job at the same company, which has been a huge change for us. The job is on the side of the company where he wants to spend his career, is great experience, and it means he can go back and finish his degree His hours are way way way different and while it's been a bit of an adjustment to get used to having him home more, I love that he gets to see more of H's firsts and we're able to spend more time together as a family. It's definitely thrown off our daily routine, but its only been a few weeks and I know we'll adjust soon. Having the Hubs around to help out during the day has been a very welcome change!
H just turned 16 months and I swear he changes every day, it's incredible. He now loves running over, throwing his arms around you and giving big kisses, and half the time he finishes it with a "Yuh Yoo", which in toddler talk means Love You. Talk about heart melting! 
When he's not busy sprinting across the back yard, chasing our cat around the house, ripping DVDs out of the cabinet, or emptying every drawer within his reach, he's been busy popping new teeth (including one mean molar currently), learning to count "wah - doo - tee" ("1 - 2 - 3"), and growing the most gorgeous head of curly hair that I am refusing to cut. 
His crazy is balanced by his sweet, and although he's exhausting, he also provides my life with so much love and excitement, it's beautiful. 
My Grampa passed away early Mother's Day morning.
For lack of a better description: It sucks.
My heart aches and my soul feels heavy. 
I am so incredibly grateful for the time I was able to have with him - spending weekends watching football games, afternoons riding around the golf course, winters on the ski slope, summers at the beach. One of the hardest parts about moving away from the East coast was leaving my family, leaving the holidays and long weekends together. When he was diagnosed with the big ugly C word, it was one of the first times I had felt guilt over leaving for the first time in a long long long time. 
I made it a huge priority to take H out to visit every couple of months, and I am so glad he was able to give giggles and joy to my grandparents, and give them something extra to look forward to.
Even writing this is hard. I'm still not over it, over his passing, over my anger. 
We flew out late Thursday night and drove over on Friday morning to see my Grammy and Grampa and Aunt, and I'm still speechless over what we walked into. 
I've never witnessed the devastation that Cancer wrecks on a human's body. He was a shell of a person, an emaciated and pale ghost of the man I had seen two months ago. His breathing was shallow, irregular and labored. He couldn't talk. He was laid up in bed too weak to move. 

I sat by his bed with my dad and listened to him tell stories of the kind of moral and strong person his dad was, and I could see Grampa reacting, so I knew that while he couldn't speak, he could hear and understand. I got up and gave him a big hug, and told him I loved him and he looked me straight in the eye, nodded his head and mouthed something to me that looked like 'love', and it was everything to me. I told him a little about H and the Hubs and then sat down and listened to more stories from my dad. 
He got up after a while and let me have some time to myself with Grampa. While I sat for a few minutes just in silence, with thoughts racing through my mind too jumbled to make any coherent sense, words started to jumble out. I thanked him for everything and told him a few of my hopes and dreams, reminded him that I loved him and that I was sorry I wasn't there more often, and told him I already missed him. Then I picked up a book and started reading out loud. He ended up falling asleep after about 30 minutes, but I wasn't ready to be done, so I kept reading until I was. 
Saturday the rest of the family arrived. All the siblings and my Grammy sat around the bed, rotating holding his hands and recounting happy and sad stories of days past. While it was a sad occasion that brought them all together, it was a pretty beautiful sight to see - everyone there in love, all sharing the same experience, all differences put aside for the greater cause. 
He passed away (I hate that phrase, but I hate the other one more) very early Mother's Day Sunday morning, surrounded by love and family by his side.
It all happened so fast it's still a little hard to process. For some reason, night time seems to be the worst. Out of nowhere it'll just hit me that he's gone. I'll hear a song or see his favorite candy on the shelf at the grocery store and I can't help but just feel sad. Really really sad.
I know it's better now that he's not in any pain, but I just wish I had more time to share with him.

You may remember about a month ago I posted about the fact that the Hubs and I are thinking about thinking about adding to our family (here).
With everything that's been going on lately with my Grampa, the feeling has only increased.
Seeing my dad with his brothers and sisters, seeing them all come together, has deepened my desire to give H a sibling. Someone to bug him and bother him. Someone to be there for him when he's having a crap-tastic day.

I'm hoping that by regularly using the Ovulation Test Strips kit from Easy@Home, this will be a sooner rather than later occurrence! You can read more about why I love the strips and more technical information in my previous post, but it's now been two months and I'm still using them and am impressed with how much more accurate they are than temping alone. It comes with 100 ovulation and 20 pregnancy test strips, so you can start tracking your most fertile windows ASAP and for over three months with one order, which I love because that means less of a need to reorder (which this mom brain is not always likely to remember). These Easy@Home tests are quick, easy to use, accurate and affordable (seriously, these will save you so much over the drug store brands) and they have several different packages ranging from 20 tests to 1000 so you can get exactly what you need.

Disclosure: I may have received one or more of the above products complimentary in exchange for an honest review and there may be affiliate links. However, I will only ever recommend products to my readers that I personally have used and love! 


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. It reminded me of my grandpa who also passed away from cancer a few years ago. The hardest thing for me was to visit him knowing it was propably the last time I would see him alive. Stay strong!

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. This made me cry. I hope you find some peace soon!

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss! Losing a grandparent is so tough. Prayers for you and your family. Thanks for sharing those strips. We're going to be thinking about starting a family with in the next year and I need to get on starting to figure out how to chart.

  4. That picture with your sweet baby in the box is adorable!!! I love candid shots like that! I'm sorry about losing your grandparent - it is certainly hard! I've used OPK before and didn't have much success - we eventually conceived and we have a beautiful almost 9 month old girl, but I guess the timing was up to God! If and when we decide on trying for a second, I'll look into these!

  5. That's exciting you are thinking about expanding the family! Good luck!


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